


needle and lodestone

by Nara_stories



Series: Needle and Lodestone (Tom/John) [1]
Category: Lord John Series - Diana Gabaldon, Outlander & Related Fandoms
Genre: Almost Kiss, Lord John and the Private Matter, M/M, Pre-Slash, talk of homosexuality and period-typical homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24110611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nara_stories/pseuds/Nara_stories
Summary: He was even prepared to eventually have this conversation. Just not quite this soon.“I just don’t understand, me lord,” Tom burst out while vigorously brushing off lint from one of his jackets. “Why would anyone seek out a house for such purposes with full of men in it?”Where Lord John and Tom Byrd reflect on the visit to Lavender House.
Relationships: Tom Byrd/Lord John Grey
Series: Needle and Lodestone (Tom/John) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1757494
Comments: 13
Kudos: 32
Collections: Outlander Bingo Challenge





	needle and lodestone

**Author's Note:**

> I'll leave this here again about the character's ages:  
> \- Tom was born in 1740  
> \- John in 1729  
> \- This is set in 1757, which puts Tom roughly at 17 and John at 28

John was aware of the fact that a good valet usually knew his employer’s secrets. He just didn’t expect that it would happen quite so early on.

Yes, he had very good reason for his visit to Lavender House – whatever else had happened inside. But this happened right after he was obliged to save Tom from a very interested gentleman and the boy insisted on walking him to the door to show anyone who may try to abduct him that someone knows his whereabouts.

John appreciated the sentiment, of course, and still found himself smiling every time he remembered Tom’s face glowering protectively under the streetlamp to the utter bafflement of the butler at Lavender House.

However, this naturally brought the topic to the surface. It was a few days later when it came up in their conversation. John found himself often reiterating the state of the investigation and the events that led them there to Tom. It wasn’t just that the young man was naturally interested because of his brother, but speaking out loud always made John think more clearly. And after these exhausting days where John tried to unravel this mess while looking at dead bodies, fending off the advances of people he most certainly didn’t wish to sleep with and trying really hard not to get killed by double-crossing men, he desperately needed that clarity of thought.

He also genuinely trusted Tom even with their relatively short acquaintance. Normally, he would be suspicious to let someone in his confidence who was not only emotionally close to the matter at hand, but who asserted himself into John’s life quite without invitation. But with Tom these things were naturally related and came from an honourable place. The young man has also shown courage, discretion and a remarkable protectiveness over John and he found that he wanted to keep him around as long as possible.

He was even prepared to eventually have this conversation. Just not quite this soon.

“I just don’t understand, me lord,” Tom burst out while vigorously brushing off lint from one of his jackets. “Why would anyone seek out a house for such purposes with full of men in it?”

John mentally steeled himself. It would hurt to hear depreciating words about his kind from such a goodhearted young man. But it wasn’t like he could honestly hope for anything else.

“You mean as opposed to such an establishment with women?” he asked, adjusting his cuff to occupy himself.

Tom stopped with the brushing and furrowed his brows.

“Well, just between the two of us, me lord, I always found that strange as well,” he declared.

Interesting.

John found himself fully turning towards his valet and considering him curiously.

“You have seven brothers, if I’m not mistaken, Tom. You surely know about these things.”

Tom went back to his brushing, but couldn’t fully hide the slight tint of his cheeks. The stubborn line remained between his brows and John had to fight the sudden, silly urge to smooth it out with his thumb.

“I _know_ , me lord, just… I dunno,” he mumbled, clearly somewhat embarrassed. “It never occurred to me that simply being a woman – or a men actually – was enough for one to want to sleep with that person.”

He sounded honestly puzzled. And more interestingly, only that.

“Why on earth would you want to bed a complete stranger, I mean?” He started wildly gesturing with the brush, in his excitement quite forgetting to add John’s proper title at all the right places. John didn’t mind it a single bit, he was now honestly curious as to where this was going.

Tom made a face. “They might try to steal from you. Or even kill you. And if not that, you have no idea when they’ve last washed properly, or… I dunno, they might have lice or the pox, or something. And why would you want to get naked with someone who you haven’t spoken a word with while properly clothed?”

Tom sounded completely bewildered at such irresponsibility. He turned to look at him with an open expression and John found an unexpected tender spot in his heart.  
He stroked his own chin, thinking, trying to choose his next words carefully.

“I believe some people have no choice in the matter. The body has its own needs and sometimes finding physical pleasure with a stranger is better than not being touched at all.”

He suddenly though about the young man who pulled him into his room at Lavender House. His body was more than happy to react but he was also quite sure that they remained separate in mind and soul through the encounter.

“That’s very sad, me lord,” Tom remarked. John thought his kind and considerate nature put him well above his age.

“I suppose it is,” John answered, not being prepared to feeling his throat constrict from this simple acknowledgment of his struggles.

It was dangerous to push the topic further, but John just couldn’t help himself.

“What’s your theory then, Tom?” he asked with a smile, aiming for lighthearted. “That we are all capable of experiencing attraction to another, regardless of their sex?”

Tom’s neck was still visibly pink but he didn’t shy away from answering.

“Well, I always assumed it was the person, me lord. What made you attracted I mean.”

John nodded thoughtfully. He couldn’t honestly say that he always cared about the personality of the man he took to bed, but he could imagine it was that way for some people. And, of course, he agreed that there was nothing quite like it when you were intimate with someone whom you truly cared for. Even if it was a long time since he had experienced that.

He knew he should abandon the topic. But these small scraps of understanding he received made him bold. He didn’t know he was so starved for it, and now Tom’s kind words only made him crave more.

“So what if a man found himself attracted to another man?” he found himself asking boldly.

Tom hesitated, picking off a particularly resistant fluff with his fingers.

“That… is unfortunate, me lord,” he said finally, keeping his eyes down. Again, there was not a hint of disgust in his voice. “You see, there is little chance that it’s reciprocated to begin with. And, of course, it’s dangerous to act on it, because it’s illegal and punishable,” he said matter-of-factly.

John leaned back and observed Tom, letting a pleased smile play on his lips. What an odd little person, indeed, as Olivia had put it.

“But not a fault in character you think?”

“Oh, no, me lord. I don’t think you can help it.”

There was something in the way he said that, the speed at which the words rushed out as if he hasn’t fully weighed them. The way sudden dread flashed in his hazel eyes, and he blushed furiously, turning away and carefully putting the coat down to conceal his embarrassment.

John stood up and walked over, finding himself drawn towards the boy like needle to lodestone. Tom turned back around, startled that he found him so close.

“Have you found a man attractive before, Tom?” The words were out before John could stop them.

They locked eyes, and neither of them seemed to be able to look away. There was a ray of sunshine coming through the window and in it Tom’s eyes reminded John of the colour of good brandy.

He wondered if they’ve reached the end of the trust between them, or if Tom was comfortable enough to answer his question honestly. Upon further consideration he realized that even if the young man used deception to make his acquaintance there was no occasion yet where Tom had not answered his direct question honestly and completely. After a second of silence it turned out that this wasn’t the time either where that changed.

“Y-yes, me lord.”

John felt himself strangely, deeply stirred by the answer. He let another ill-considered question slip.

“And what did you do about it?”

Tom wet his lips, staring at him with equal parts fascination and horror like a little bird caught in his hand, not yet knowing what he planned to do with him.

“I haven’t, me lord…” he stuttered. “Nothing… yet, I mean…”

John was suddenly struck by the round-eyed intensity the young man was looking at him and realized Tom had been walking down his own risky path through their conversation one step at a time, only to meet him now in the middle.

He reached out a tentative hand, hovering a hair’s breadth away from Tom’s face.

“Tom,” he asked softly, “are you implying that…?” He could not bring himself to finish the question.

There was no need for it though. Tom moved his head slightly, pushing his cheek into his palm and that was enough of an answer.

Heat bubbled up in John’s chest like champagne. He stroked Tom’s face, captivated. He found his eyes drawn to his lips, soft and pink and slightly parted. John took half a step forward, before he could help himself.

Tom smelled clean like simple soap with a hint of something powdery. John moved his hand down and cupped his jaw. He felt Tom’s pulse on his fingertip, racing in tandem with his own.

Tom was nearly the same height as him, it wouldn’t have take much, just an inch, to dip down and close that distance. He wanted it, Christ, he wanted it so much.

He leaned forward, thoughts fleeing from his mind. His lips hovered over Tom’s, so close he felt Tom’s breath hitch. John saw his long lashes move, and the simple trust of him closing his eyes and tipping his chin up invitingly sent a shiver down his spine. Their lips brushed softly, barely, just for a moment.

It was then when rational thought penetrated the fog of desire that clouded his mind. John pulled back.

“Maybe we shouldn’t,” he breathed out, finding his own voice hoarse.

Tom’s eyes snapped open with alarm.

“I’m so sorry, me lord, I forget myself,” he spluttered, clearly embarrassed, and planning to flee. John instinctively tightened his grip on his chin.

“No, no, no, Tom, it’s not that.” He stroked his thumb over his bottom lip, as if he could somehow cheat them out of what they both clearly wanted. “Quite, the opposite, actually.”

Tom shivered under his touch, and John wanted to press his thumb to his own mouth, see if he could feel the imprint of Tom’s lips lingering on it. He took a deep breath, and pulled his hand away, sliding it into his pocket, as if he could preserve and keep the shadow of that touch with him.

“I don’t want to risk this ruining our relationship, Tom,” he confessed. “I don’t want you to think that you have no choice in the matter. That you can’t say no to me after you once said yes. And I’m afraid we haven’t known each other long enough to ensure that.”

Tom looked at him, still breathing heavy, but the redness of embarrassment was fading from his cheeks. He drew his brows together, and John felt that inexplicable tenderness again.

“We’re still strangers, that’s what it is, me lord?”

John tilted his head.

“A little. I guess you could put it like that. The truth is, Tom, that I very much want to keep you around, and I don’t want this to become a currency between us.”

There was a flash of determination in Tom’s eyes with a hint of defiance, and that reminded him of the first time he saw the young man, chin held high, going through with what he set out to do with confidence.

“That’s fair, me lord. But do you allow me to propose something?”

John was wary, but curious.

“Of course, Tom.”

“We’ll wait a year. And if we both still want this you allow me, to… to kiss you.” He clearly had to force the bold words out, but he did it anyways.

John found himself oddly touched by the notion. He smiled, and then nodded.

“But,” he added seriously, “we won’t bring it up until then, and you are free to change your mind. You are also free to kiss someone else in the meantime if you wish so.” It almost physically hurt to say that.

Tom nodded, with a small, knowing smile. There was again that quiet determination that made him look older than his age. As if he was sure it won’t come to that.

“However, if a year from now this day finds ourselves still wanting this,” John finished softly, “then I will not keep us from having it.”

Tom flashed a smile at him, and John’s heart lurched with another wave of want. He cleared his throat.

“And now, my dear little Byrd, would you care to fix my hair before I shall go out to continue with our investigation?”

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I'm planning a second chapter ;)
> 
> That will most probably push the rating up, but until then I left it on T to give a chance to everyone to read it.
> 
> Edit: I have decided to move the second part into a separate work.


End file.
